Ok, here’s the deal…the last time I checked, it was 2009. Debit/Check cards have been in existence since 1987, that’s 22 years!
Yesterday, Mrs. Jackson, our dog “Hambone”, and myself were heading over to my parents house to spend the afternoon in the country and cook dinner. I needed to run into Giant for about 10 items. I found them quickly and proceeded to the 15 item EXPRESS lane. A late 40′s woman was checking out, and paying for $22 in groceries WITH A CHECK!
Well, the young man working the register had to go through the 17 item triple check procedure when processing a check. Then the check would still not go through. So the King of all Checkout Klerks, or KOCK, had to come over and explain to the woman that the check had to be for at least $10 more as a minimum. Then the woman argues that it is not fair that she has to write the check for more and get cash back. Next, she rewrites the check and we have to go through the same procedures.
Finally, after standing at the EXPRESS counter for 8 minutes, I calmly said to the woman “You know it is 2009. Debit cards are very reliable”.
Her response: “I didn’t ask for your two cents buddy.”
Ok fine, maybe she didn’t, but I didn’t ask to be transported back to the days of Diff’rent Strokes and Punky Brewster either, so I calmly replied “I understand, but I know that your buggy is double parked outside and perhaps using a check card would avoid you getting a ticket.” She was none too amused.
Just then, a late 30′s father with clearly the same hit and run agenda falls into line behind me. We stood there for 5 more minutes as the KOCK vociferously pounded away a google-plex’s worth of codes on the keypad that surely NORAD would be envious of…just to process this check. And then, out of the blue, all hell broke loose!
The guy behind me, without prompting from yours truly, said to me in a voice loud enough for all (including the evil check-writing late 40′s woman who hasn’t orgasmed since 1987 other than by reading Danielle Steele novels in the bathtub of her 1973 East Pennsboro rancher) to hear “I WONDER IF SHE’S EVER HEARD OF A THING CALLED A CHECK CARD?”
Vindication for me! Yes, what a victory for those who believe that the 80′s should be left as a neon cocaine-binged memory.
Her reply was swift and firm “Why don’t you two just mind your own F#@*ING BUSINESS!” That’s right, she dropped the F bomb in the Giant EXPRESS lane! She got red real fast. The last time she was this red was when she fantasized about having Fabio spread his generic wannabe butter all over her.
The KOCK then pulled out his remote control and hit a red button two or three times really fast. I presume he was calling in the KOCK support (Call Us Please Security, or CUPS) to deescalate the situation.
She left in a huff. After standing in the EXPRESS lane for 19 minutes and paying with my debit card, I finally made it back to the car where Mrs. Jackson greeted me pleasantly with a “What the hell were you doing in there?”
So, in conclusion, what have we learned from this experience?
1. Writing Checks for Groceries is Inconsiderate
2. If Giant has an EXPRESS lane, checks should not be accepted in such a lane. Acceptance of checks in said lane would constitute false advertising.
3. If you are married to a late forties woman, make her orgasm every once in a while so she’s not a bitter hag to the rest of us. I didn’t marry her, I don’t need her attitude.
p.s. Being pregnant is NOT a disability. I will continue to park in those spots until Giant puts up a “30 Something Man Smart Enough Not to Knock Up a Chick” parking.