Dear Le0njackson (L-E-zero-N…),
I don’t know who you are, but thank you, I guess, for imitating me on all of the Pennlive boards. It just sucks though, because you’re really not that funny at all. But hey man, have fun with it. I started a new job recently, and I’m too busy to do this stuff at any rate.
Sincerely,
Leonjackson
You must be crazy if you still write checks at Giant. It's 2009 people!
Ok, here’s the deal…the last time I checked, it was 2009. Debit/Check cards have been in existence since 1987, that’s 22 years!
Yesterday, Mrs. Jackson, our dog “Hambone”, and myself were heading over to my parents house to spend the afternoon in the country and cook dinner. I needed to run into Giant for about 10 items. I found them quickly and proceeded to the 15 item EXPRESS lane. A late 40′s woman was checking out, and paying for $22 in groceries WITH A CHECK!
Well, the young man working the register had to go through the 17 item triple check procedure when processing a check. Then the check would still not go through. So the King of all Checkout Klerks, or KOCK, had to come over and explain to the woman that the check had to be for at least $10 more as a minimum. Then the woman argues that it is not fair that she has to write the check for more and get cash back. Next, she rewrites the check and we have to go through the same procedures.
Finally, after standing at the EXPRESS counter for 8 minutes, I calmly said to the woman “You know it is 2009. Debit cards are very reliable”.
Her response: “I didn’t ask for your two cents buddy.”
Ok fine, maybe she didn’t, but I didn’t ask to be transported back to the days of Diff’rent Strokes and Punky Brewster either, so I calmly replied “I understand, but I know that your buggy is double parked outside and perhaps using a check card would avoid you getting a ticket.” She was none too amused.
Just then, a late 30′s father with clearly the same hit and run agenda falls into line behind me. We stood there for 5 more minutes as the KOCK vociferously pounded away a google-plex’s worth of codes on the keypad that surely NORAD would be envious of…just to process this check. And then, out of the blue, all hell broke loose!
The guy behind me, without prompting from yours truly, said to me in a voice loud enough for all (including the evil check-writing late 40′s woman who hasn’t orgasmed since 1987 other than by reading Danielle Steele novels in the bathtub of her 1973 East Pennsboro rancher) to hear “I WONDER IF SHE’S EVER HEARD OF A THING CALLED A CHECK CARD?”
Vindication for me! Yes, what a victory for those who believe that the 80′s should be left as a neon cocaine-binged memory.
Her reply was swift and firm “Why don’t you two just mind your own F#@*ING BUSINESS!” That’s right, she dropped the F bomb in the Giant EXPRESS lane! She got red real fast. The last time she was this red was when she fantasized about having Fabio spread his generic wannabe butter all over her.
The KOCK then pulled out his remote control and hit a red button two or three times really fast. I presume he was calling in the KOCK support (Call Us Please Security, or CUPS) to deescalate the situation.
She left in a huff. After standing in the EXPRESS lane for 19 minutes and paying with my debit card, I finally made it back to the car where Mrs. Jackson greeted me pleasantly with a “What the hell were you doing in there?”
So, in conclusion, what have we learned from this experience?
1. Writing Checks for Groceries is Inconsiderate
2. If Giant has an EXPRESS lane, checks should not be accepted in such a lane. Acceptance of checks in said lane would constitute false advertising.
3. If you are married to a late forties woman, make her orgasm every once in a while so she’s not a bitter hag to the rest of us. I didn’t marry her, I don’t need her attitude.
Thank you
p.s. Being pregnant is NOT a disability. I will continue to park in those spots until Giant puts up a “30 Something Man Smart Enough Not to Knock Up a Chick” parking.
Ok, it’s been a little while since I’ve written anything…partly because I’ve been hiding in my house worried about being shot. The other reason is that I’ve been away seeing a band that PETA has requested change their name to the Sea Kittens .
But anyways…Congratulations Harrisburg! As of 1:15 pm, we have gone a whole half a day without a shooting. I know it’s only a half a day, but don’t worry, the reinforcements are coming in. No it’s not that bitch Kate that has eight kids and a husband that is a pushover (although I think she’d make these guys shoot themselves if they had to listen to her bitching). Our reinforcements are coming from York! That’s right, the cesspool of PA, York is sending in the Guardian Angels to help patrol Alison Hill and Uptown.
Things must be really good here in our state capital if we need to rely on red 80′s jacket wearing douchebags from the Douchey McDouchensteiniest town around to help reduce our crime wave. But hey, good luck to the Guardian Angels from York…I know I feel a lot safer now.
If you are a Guardian Angel from York, PA, what's the odds that you are a 40 year old virgin?
Why is Harrisburg so small? I feel like after 6 years of living here that I am in High School again. Don’t get me wrong, I love the size of this city. It’s urban-ish, affordable, and easy to get around. But socially, it’s really small. It’s so small that I, Leon Jackson, am having an identity crisis.
It all started with this silly little blog. I decided to write about my observations of Harrisburg as a healthy alternative to drinking, staying out late, etc. I figured that if people want to read it, fine. If not, fine too. I’m friends/friendly with quite a few people in town. In an effort not to personally piss anyone off and still remain quasi-likeable (at least on the surface), I assumed the pseudonym “Leon Jackson”. Here’s the problem: after posting about my dog “Hambone Jackson” being attacked by pit bulls and then seeing the man-love humpfest over the past week, I’ve lost my real life ability to tell stories when I’m out.
Leon’s theme song: Bobby Valentino’s Anonymous.
I went to a certain law firm’s open house on Wednesday. Someone asked about my dog. I told them the same story. I was asked if I was Leon Jackson. I then tell the humpfest story Thursday before posting it here, and then Friday morning I’m asked again. I tell the dog story again yesterday, and my friend replies “a lot of people are blogging about that stuff, it must be really common”.
I feel like Cosmo Kramer when he sold his life story J. Peterman. I can’t tell my “own” stories anymore because they are now Leon Jackson’s.
Finally, if you’d like updates to my view of Harrisburg, please send an email to LeonJacksonHBG@yahoo.com with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE”. I tried to be added to the nice blogharrisburg.com site, but that Floor 9 dude didn’t reply to my email.
At least Kramer got some money for his life story.
I’m starting to feel really sorry for my dog, “Hambone Jackson”. You see, Hambone, was attacked by two pit bulls on Sunday (http://leonjackson.wordpress.com/2009/06/07/no-hbgpd-on-sundays/) while on a walk with Mrs. Jackson and a friend. Then today, I took Hambone for a run on the lower deck of Riverfront Park. As we were jogging back from the Penn Dot building, “laying” on a bench in broad daylight were two men dressed in what appeared to be 1980′s track suits having anal intercourse…at 1:35 pm in broad daylight!
Sure there is trash everywhere on the lower deck. Sure the city only cuts down the weeds twice a summer. Sure there are ALWAYS 2-6 crackheads underneath the train bridge just south of the Market St. bridge. Sure there are a half dozen dead fish decaying along the shores of the lower deck of the mighty Susquehanna. Sure there is a mine field of goose shit all over. Sure ghetto thugs are letting their pit bulls attack other dogs. Sure there is graffiti everywhere. Sure the weeds are overgrown through the cracks of the broken concrete walkway. Sure there is homeless peoples’ clothing littered throughout the sidewall. Sure there’s a bar’s worth of beer cans littering the shore. Sure, I’VE NEVER SEEN A POLICE OFFICER PATROLLING THIS AREA (other than Kipona and Artsfest).
But please, do I really have to witness man-humping on a park bench at 1:35 on a Thursday afternoon? I SURE don’t think so…
Looking for hot, steamy man-love? Look no farther than Riverfront Park!
Today, Sunday, is a beautiful day. A wonderful day for a walk along riverfront park with your dog. That is, except, when a ghetto thug with dreads, a pot belly, and no shirt on allows his two pit bulls off the leash to attack not only my dog, but another dog. Not only did this a**hole allow this to occur, but he expressed no sense of urgency as he strolled over as Mrs. Jackson was defending our dog from a vicious attack. Mrs. Jackson’s t-shirt is completely blood stained so I’m not exaggerating here.
If Mrs. Jackson wasn’t pissed enough, here’s where the shit hits the fan…Upon calling our police department, they replied that this was not a serious matter and that it would be a few minutes until an officer showed up. OK fine. Even though this is very important to Mrs. Jackson (and myself), obviously a murder takes precedence over my dog getting hurt. Mrs. Jackson, her friend, and the other person who’s dog was mangled by these dogs waited patiently for 17 minutes with no response.
Then, being close to headquarters, walked over to file a report there. Mrs. Jackson pressed the buzzer, waited 10 more minutes to no answer. Finally, after pressing the buzzer to speak to someone 3 more times and a total of 22 minutes (now an hour since the initial call), an officer answered and stated that he was the only person in the headquarters today because of so many other crimes going on at 2 PM ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON!!!
Mrs. Jackson left her contact information and was assured that someone would be getting in touch with her within 24 hours. We’ll see what happens with that promise…
We’ve (happily) lived in Midtown for 6 years. We’ve called the police only one other time (when Mrs. Jackson was jumped while running a couple years ago). For all the taxes that we pay, I’d expect the police to be available the 2 times a decade that I call…I don’t think that this too much to ask.
On a happy note, our dog seems to be doing ok and is enjoying a bone at my feet as I type.
That’s right folks, Zeus, the God of Gods, the Thunder God himself, has been declared the winner of the Polytheism ticket in the Harrisburg primary!
Seriously folks, this guy is going to clean up the city!
Vishnu, the Hindu incumbent, was struck a bitter defeat when Zeus had Hermes (God of commerce, thieves, and trade) go to previously untapped downtrodden areas of the city and provide free pizzas and transportation to potential voters. Vishnu rested on his laurels and just sat around staring at a cow. But Zeus came to bring the noise, a loud thunderous noise to be precise.
Up next for Zeus, a head to head battle with another mythological figure, Christian God, daddy to JC. This will be a tough battle for Zeus. This dude actually claims that he has a son but didn’t actually knock up the chick…and many people believe him…politics at it’s best!
It’s time for a change in Harrisburg. The antiquated monotheistic reign after the last 28 or 2800 years has got to stop. Vote Zeus, or the rain and thunder of the past week will continue indefinitely!
A "liberal" wearing a fur coat and carrying a Louis Vitton bag all on a $10k/year salary!
NO! If Reed runs a write-in campaign, then Linda Thompson will 100% win. There is a slim shot that the educated Republican candidate, Nevin Mindlin, www.electnevin.org, could win by not having to split votes with Reed write-ins.
I’ve never voted for a Republican, but I will vote against Linda Thompson. I am 100% confident that she is the wrong choice for our city.
